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What would you do if you found out?

I found this in my archive of writings. It is from...well, you can read.

It’s Hard to Be a MacDaddy
By: Matt Villanueva

As I sit here in my Thundercat underwear, watching MacGyver on my big screen with a cigar in one hand and a half-full bottle of Jager in the other, I realize something…life can not get any better than this. Suddenly, my sobbing wife pops out of nowhere and I react quicker than lightning as I hop up, toss my cigar and Jager to the floor, and offer up a tissue once used to stuff the front of my undies. After my MacGyver-inspired reaction and a quick trip to the fire extinguisher, (Note: Jager and cigar create fire.) I ask my wife what could have possibly upset her so much. She then proceeds to tell me the two words that will change my life forever, “I’m pregnant”.

Dumbfounded, I freeze and ask myself, what would my hero MacGyver do? Would he create some sort of time machine out of two ginger ales and a dredle to stop me from being so amorous on the night of conception? Or maybe he would simultaneously fix our healthcare system and win the lottery with a single turn of a screwdriver? Probably not, but I did see him use a piece of chocolate to…never mind, back to the story.

As I go back to my hysterically crying wife and reassure her that all is well, she starts to throw out all of the normal worries associated with having a baby. In the midst of her rant, I have the terrifying epiphany of a lifetime. There is going to be a person that thinks and acts EXACTLY LIKE ME…the Armageddon cometh.

And all at once I realize that a baby will be the greatest challenge to our ever changing early 20’s life. Once I’ve had some time to think about it, I realize that we are the perfect candidates for a baby. Check out these stats:
• Married over 2 years
• Ample friend and family support
• I think pregnant chicks are hot
• College educated parents
• A good MacGyver loving household

With these new realizations, I grab my wife and squeeze her as I whisper in her ear how excited I truly am. Always the optimist, I start to see how wonderful this new journey will be. I am going to be a dad…whew, that sounds weird.

But still in the back of my mind I worry, thinking that this isn’t the perfect time for us to have a baby. And maybe we’re just not ready!? But, then I calm myself and remember all of the times my friend Mac was caught in stickier situations and how he always comes out unscathed.

So, you know what? I can do this and I am unafraid. (Babies smell fear)

After a little more crying and worrying, my wife calms down enough to call her mother and share the big news. Meanwhile, I flip the TV back on and sit as I stare blankly at the screen thinking only of a new life to come. Deep in thought, my mind abruptly stops on a new fact: I am even better than the great MacGyver. Mostly due to the fact that I made a baby…I mean think about it, I made a person!

Luckily, I’ve already got the perfect name in mind, and let me tell you baby MacGyver will be the greatest kid ever.